I'm not a lesbian, I just live with a woman...

Today one of my mentors, a woman I absolutely adore and admire, said something so strange I can't help but blog about it. I've met her female life partner, with whom she is raising a child. But today we are talking about sexual identity and she says, "I may live with a woman but I'm not a lesbian, there is nothing about me that is lesbian. I still miss men and I couldn't imagine being with a woman if I wasn't with [my partner.] My lesbian friends just tell me I can't come out, but I promise you, I'm out, out out!"

I was blown away. For the longest time I have identified her as a lesbian in my mind, not in any negative or stereotyped way but because that's what her current orientation is. Even though my experience has taught me that just because someone has same-sex relationships does not mean they identify as gay or consider themselves part of the LGBT community, the socialized part of my mind struggled to come up with a different way to categorize her: "Wait, if she's not a lesbian, what the hell does she identify as?"

I had to consciously stop myself from doing this, to accept that she just is what she is: a bad-ass woman who is excellent at what she does and a wonderful mentor. Honestly, in the grander scheme of things, her sexual identity doesn't really matter. The only problem I really had with what she said was the particular phrase, "There's nothing lesbian about me." It made me wonder then what her construction of a lesbian is. If it is not a woman who connects emotionally, romantically, and sexually with another woman (or women), then what?

I'm currently reading this book called "Sexual Fluidity" by Lisa Diamond (even though I haven't read much of it yet, I would recommend it). It's the first time any theorist that I've read has made a distinction between "sexual orientation" and "sexual identity." For example, a woman who dates men but has had sexual relations with women may still identify as predominantly heterosexual. We may try with all of our might to categorize these people, but we are quickly learning as feminist theorists that labels simply don't work anymore. My mentor today taught me just how true that is becoming.

Surprise, Tiger Woods is human

Okay, I gotta comment on this whole Tiger Wood thing, since this has pretty much been the pinnacle of what has been a long string of exposures of and confessionals from male adulterers. I kept quiet about David Letterman and what-his-face (there's always someone having an affair), because honestly, I just didn't give a shit.

Why do I care now, especially since I couldn't care less about golf? I guess because no one expected it from Tiger. He always seemed so Zen, so squeaky clean and put together. I'm not here to make value judgments on what he did. But I will comment on people reaction to it. I'm reading about all these women coming forward and saying they slept with Tiger (wouldn't you?) and suddenly there are allegations of him being a sex addict: http://www.examiner.com/x-17416-Infidelity-Examiner~y2009m12d6-New-Details-About-Tiger-Woods-Secret-Love-Life-Reveal-He-May-Be-Addicted-to-Sex?cid=channel-rss-Relationships Um, I'm sorry, what?

Okay, first of all, this is a very serious inference about someone's mental health. It's not to be taken lightly. I have often long debated even the legitimacy of calling sex an addiction, but that's for another blog. Secondly, we don't even know if these women are telling the truth. It would be a perfect opportunity for them to get their 15 minutes. And plus, I love that they did these completely consensual acts with him but now they're coming out with claims of victimization and saying that he used them? I'm sorry, but I call bullshit.

If these women were coming out with allegations of rape or coercion of any kind, this issue would be a whole other kettle of fish and we should certainly take those issues seriously. I'm not saying what Tiger did to his wife wasn't wrong. But he's certainly not the first powerful athlete to cheat on his wife and he certainly won't be the last. Just leave the guy alone, for Christ's sake. It's not like he's a public official (oh wait, they get away with that too...)

Reaction: Black Tar Heroin

For my class recently, I watched a documentary called Black Tar Heroin: The Dark End of the Street. It follows five young adults in the late 90's who are heroin users, and black tar is a particularly addictive and heinous form of heroin. The way I've heard it described is that it "makes Trainspotting look like an after-school special." That is a pretty apt description. I noticed that several of my classmates were squirming in their seats at the sight of the needles penetrating the skin. I understand why, it’s absolutely revolting what heroin addicts do to their bodies, even being willing to shoot themselves up in the neck or jamming the needle into their muscles. However, I don’t believe in shying away from reality just because it makes us uncomfortable. This is a daily reality for more people than we think. It’s also a reality that I could never hope or pretend to understand. Yes, they all made a conscious choice to start using drugs, but then again, most of them were not as lucky as I was to grow up in a structured, supportive home. As a feminist, I was really fascinated by how sexuality is infused with drug use in several ways. I was especially interested in the opposing views on prostitution between Oreo/Jessica and Alice. Alice was just as much a drug addict as the rest of them, and yet she had principles she refused to compromise; unlike the others, she would never do sexual favors for drugs. Alice was my favorite person in the documentary, because she had a very different, articulate way of explaining drug use. Most people who talk about heroin use describe it as a hundred times better than the best orgasm, yet Alice described it as a way for young women to take away unwanted aspects of their sexuality that may be imposed on them by society. It makes me really sad to see such a creative, intelligent feminist like Alice throw her life away on drugs, but I was extremely proud of her for trying to quit in the end. I wonder how she’s doing more than ten years later. I’m not saying any of the others deserved to be drug addicts more than she did. Their drug dependence wasted away so much of their individual talents.

Power of the Pill

It really pisses me off when people say things about mental illness like, "I'm just against medication. Doctors want to give you a pill to make your problems go away, and they want to call you bipolar when really you just can't deal with the normal ups and downs of life."

I'm paraphrasing here, but this came from one of my coworkers that I'm actually pretty close to, and who should know me well enough NOT to say stuff like that. I could have replied that if she knew anything about mental illness she wouldn't say something like that. (She's getting her master's in counseling, by the way.) And she wouldn't be saying that about someone who had cancer or diabetes. She wouldn't be insisting a physical disease could be cured by force of the will, so why do people say that about mental illness? Instead all I said was, "Well, medication has turned my life around." Which is completely true.This is why I don't talk to many people about my anxiety and mood disorder - they either see you as a disease instead of a person ("I'm bipolar") or they dismiss your suffering altogether and tell you to get over it.

I know this doesn't seem like it has much to do with feminism, but mental health is very ingrained into my sense of feminism, and I actually hope to study feminist psychology in graduate school. Women are far more likely to present with major depression, borderline personality and eating disorders - don't you think old patriarchal concepts of the "hysterical female" have anything to do with that? Think about it.We also live in a society that stresses frontierist individualism and tells us to suck up our problems, that we can get through anything by strength of will or the power of God. (I actually read a book on anxiety that said that very thing.) And we feel forced to do it alone - we are isolated from our support networks, and that's something no medication can fix. I think men especially feel this, so I don't believe that women are depressed more than men are - I just think we teach our boys that it is a weakness to reach out for help or admit their suffering.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't look at any medication as a miracle worker that will solve any problem. That's why I'm in counseling as well. Nor is medication the right treatment for all people with psychological disorders. All psychotropic meds do is get you functional enough to actually deal with your problems. It's hard to do that effectively when all you want to do is slice up your wrists or you think you can fly off the rooftop. And that's all chemical. You cannot just "try" to be happier. What you can do is seek treatment and learn to manage and cope with it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take my meds so I can get out of bed in the morning and deal with life.

Is it worth it?

Six people showed up to the film viewing. SIX, after 20 or so said they were coming. Besides the executive board, two people came to the last planning meeting. After countless Facebook invitations, reminder emails, and TechAnnounce. After an announcement stating that the film viewing event was required for prospective actresses, because we need actresses who are also truly dedicated to working for V-day. I heard that the six people who came and participated were wonderful and enthusiastic about the V-Day cause. For that I would like to thank them deeply and I look forward to working with them.

As for the others who are absent, what am I doing wrong? Am I not being personal enough, sending out these mass emails? Am I not making it clear that these events should be a requirement for those who want to volunteer or act in the Vagina Monologues? I don't want to step on anyone's toes, or seem like the disciplinarian hardass I can truly be sometimes, because what does that accomplish? I care about this cause so much, and I truly believe in it. But I am also getting incredibly frustrated, as I know my V-day sisters must be. I wish people would understand how much we really need them - I was hoping that I related that clearly enough time and time again when we first began contacting people. The executive board, the three of us cannot do it alone. Without your help, V-Day will not happen. The victims of violence in Lubbock will not get the aid they need. And after all, that is what I'm truly in it for. For them.

So please, someone tell me what I'm doing wrong, whether in my organization, my people skills, or something. I'm feeling very lost and that my efforts are futile.

Women Just Aren't Funny?

This morning I was listening to the Bobby Bones show on KissFM, and they were playing clips from Kathy Griffin's new special "Balls of Steel." Now, I am just about the biggest Kathy Griffin fan ever. Her gays probably have me beat, but I'm pretty up there. I personally love her vagina jokes and I think she has broken new ground for women in comedy.

So I was thrilled to hear these new clips being played on the radio. But Bobby Bones kept interrupting the clips with negative comments like "I don't see how that's funny" or "I can't believe this woman makes millions of dollars." So as if I'm not pissed off enough that he's tearing down my favorite comedian, but then he starts in on, "Well, that's why there's so many more male comedians than women comedians, women just aren't funny." When the female DJ half-heartedly protested that some women are funny (which I thought was a pathetic attempt at arguing with him) he said, "Well I just don't know a lot of women who can pull off a joke right." Of course, it couldn't possibly be that there are a lot of hilarious women out there who just aren't being publicized because of discrimination in the entertainment industry - oh no, that's not it. Women just aren't funny. You know, I was just saying in my Feminist Thought and Theory class yesterday about how things are getting better and there are alternatives to sexist media out there - and then something like this happens. To the ladies in my class, I respectfully place my foot in my mouth.

Kathy Griffin has a very distinct cadence to her comedy - she doesn't conform to the standard "set-up, punchline, set-up, punchline" method, which can get really tiresome. She's funny because she tells the truth about how dumb and superficial some celebrities are. And a lot of people don't like that she tells the truth and doesn't give a shit what they think. Bottom line is, Bobby Bones is a sexist tard who wouldn't know comedy if it shot him in the ass. Needless to say, I won't be listening to 102.5 in the morning anymore, and he's gonna get a nice email from me.

And Kathy, if you're out there somewhere and you read this, just know that you have my support no matter what people say about you. I think you're hilarious and I love what you're doing for women in comedy.

Megan's Body: Women in Entertainment

I'm not gonna lie, I love writing about entertainment. I'm like Kathy Griffin in that I'm completed fascinated by some celebrities. How very American of me. I especially like looking at gender issues in the entertainment industry. But not just from the tired angle of "women are discriminated against and sexually objectified." I could whine about that all day and still not have told you anything you don't know.

I really like focusing on powerful women in entertainment, who are not passive objects of the male sexual gaze but actively take part in their own sexualization. I'm not putting a value judgement on that; I'm not saying it's good or bad, I'm just saying it fascinates me.

Megan Fox is one of those women. My boyfriend's obsessed with her, I'm fascinated by her. I've heard a lot of things about her - especially after the entire cast of Transformers turned against her and basically said she was a spoiled bitch who's full of herself. You know, like every other powerful man in the industry. I wanted to decide what I thought of her based her words from her own mouth. So I stumbled across this website with almost 40 Megan Fox-isms, not to mention a super-hot picture of her to go with each one: www.nbcnewyork.com/enjoy-this/Megan-Fox-isms-63678167.html

My favorite quote was this one:

"I think all women in Hollywood are known as sex symbols. That's what our purpose is in this business. You're merchandised, you're a product. You're sold and it's based on sex. But that's okay. I think women should be empowered by that, not degraded." - Entertainment Weekly, June 2009.

Not only does she recognize the exploitation and superficiality of Hollywood, but she also seems fully aware of her own objectification in Hollywood, which means she's definitely not stupid. And instead of rallying against it, she relishes it. My first reaction to that was, "Of course you can feel that way, you're f***ing Megan Fox." Other women in Hollywood may not feel so comfortable with it. Is Fox anti-feminist by saying that women should feel empowered as sexual commodities? Who knows, I'll leave it up to you to decide.

I love what she says about her own sexuality - it's so in-your-face and she does not give a shit what anyone thinks, especially other women, who all hate her, she assumes. She knows she's attractive and sexy, and some might say that makes her superficial, but on the other hand, she doesn't feign humility and ignorance of her sexuality, which can be just as annoying. She's definitely on one extreme of the "Madonna-whore" complex that seems to plague women, but at least she seems to choose that image for herself, which is feminist enough in my book.

I actually recently saw her latest film, "Jennifer's Body" - I used to hate any kind of horror but the double entendre of the title intrigued me. Not only was it a reference to Jennifer as a corpse, but also her body as a sexual object. The movie is actually full of black humor and is very entertaining, even though it only seems to skim the gender/sexuality issues the title implies. I won't read too much into it, but I'd say it's definitely worth a watch to see Megan Fox transmogrified into this insatiable sexual monster-literally. It's an interesting reflection of the image that Megan Fox herself projects to the outside world.