Sexual abuse is everyone's business: How many times do I have to say it?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alex-leo/mackenzie-phillips-rape-i_b_295545.html

I was never into the Mamas and the Papas, but I read the article about Mackenzie Phillips being sexually abused by her father for over a decade.

I congratulate Ms. Phillips on her courage to tell her story as a survivor. And I also abhor the fact that People magazine and the media use it as the weekly Hollywood shocker instead of starting a real discourse about incest and victimization.

As to claims that the relationship "became consensual," I agree with Alex Leo that even though she was of legal age to give consent, a sexual relationship between father and daughter is not really about sex at all, but represents a power differential that remains in place no matter how old the daughter is. In Texas, it would have been illegal for anyone to have sex with her when she was so heavily intoxicated.

All these stories cropping up about sexual victimization (Jaycee Dugard, Mackenzie Phillips, Roman Polanski) should wake people up to the fact that rape happens. And not usually by strangers either. Often victims not only know but trust their abusers. This is an issue that should not remain quiet anymore.

Twilight: the ultimate battle between fantasy and feminism

It is hard to be a feminist and a Twilight fan.

Seriously. I was discussing this with one of my friends, who is a total closet case when it comes to Twilight for that very reason. Twilight pulls you in and is so entertaining, and it also goes against all of my feminist sensibilities. Bella is all a-twitter over this guy she thinks is perfect, and when he leaves she becomes this hollow basketcase, as if she weren’t a full human being before Edward came along.

My friend and I were also discussing this Team Edward vs. Team Jacob issue. We both agreed that there are aspects of Edward that are completely Victorian: he controls her behavior under the pretense of “keeping her safe”, he leaves her desolated and alone, and then when he comes back he pressures her into getting married. I’m sorry, what decade do we live in?

Then there’s Jacob. Ah, both my friend and I sighed at the very mention of his name. Let’s put aside the fact that Taylor Lautner is completely dreamy (seriously, I haven’t had a schoolgirl crush this bad since Zac Hanson). Jacob is just freaking awesome. I didn’t used to feel this way about Jacob – the way I saw it, both Jacob and Edward were both just macho chauvinist boys each trying to mark Bella as their territory (get it? Dog, werewolf? Eh, whatever) But when I looked at my own life experiences, I realized that Jacob is Bella’s friend, he is there for her when Edward is not, he treats her like an equal, the way that she deserves. And she completely disregards him for Edward. I believe this scenario is all too familiar: nice guys finish last.

Here’s my point: why do we socialize girls to think that the boys who hurt us, who leave us and make us cry are the ones we are supposed to be with? Twilight isn’t the only culprit, either – you see it all over female-targeted media (Grey’s Anatomy definitely comes to mind.) In the most extreme cases, these patterns of relationships can lead to domestic violence and patriarchal terrorism.

Please don’t get me wrong, I still love the Twilight series and I’m certainly not accusing Stephanie Meyer of promoting relationship abuse. She just wanted to write an entertaining series and she does a damn good job of it. But I think as women we need to remind ourselves that it’s fantasy – it isn’t real, Edward doesn’t exist and if he does we should avoid him at all costs and realize the true value of the Jacobs of this world – men who treat women like equals, with tenderness and utmost respect.

All that being said, I’m seriously looking forward to New Moon coming out in November and seeing Taylor Lautner’s half-naked body for most of the movie (am I objectifying him? Maybe a little).

The Real Monster?

When someone commits an act of violence and the other person assists, who is the real monster? Going deeper on the issue of deviant women, what if the man is a rapist and the accomplice is his wife? In a recent article on the Jaycee Dugard case, I ran into an article in which an acquaintance of the kidnappers was interviewed, and a most interesting quote popped out:

“She [the wife] is the real monster. She is a woman and she should never have let this happen.”

Of course, the two clauses in one sentence suggests that the wife’s gender is somehow connected with her morality: that she should never allowed the kidnapping and sexual slavery of a young girl because she is a woman. How does this person come to such a conclusion? What kind of leap of logic is that? But of course, to this person who is no one but a neighbor, it is not a leap at all. People assume that of the two genders, women are morally superior. This was the argument many suffragists offered as a “pragmatic” argument. Because women are morally superior, their vote would improve the world. History in this and many other cases has proven otherwise. Apparently this acquaintance knew nothing of the female Nazi camp leaders who skinned prisoners and made lampshades out of them. He/She’d clearly never heard of Eileen Wuornos or any of the other rare but deadly female serial killers. History has proven over and over again that some women are just as capable of evil acts as some men are. Just because they are women does not mean they are either weaker or more sensitive to the suffering of others.

So why did this person make such an assumption? For me, the more accurate affirmation would have been, “She is a human being and should never have let this happen.” People like Jaycee’s kidnappers are the exception, not the rule. Most people, be they men or women, would find the idea of kidnapping a young girl and keeping her in a tent abhorrent. More to the point, this person states that not only is she at fault for not stopping it as a woman, but she is more evil than the actual perpetrator. I agree that there are two kinds of evil people: those who do evil things, and people who see evil things being done and do nothing about it. But saying she is the real monster for sitting back and watching as her husband raped and kept hostage a woman for 18 years? That is simply nonsensical.

Here is the link to the article:
http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2009/08/31/crimesider/entry5277289.shtml

Introduction: Establishing a Theory of Me (A Feminist)

My name is Amanda and I am a feminist. What does that mean? Even feminists disagree on actual definitions, so I won’t nitpick here. I’ll simply explain what it means for me to be a feminist. There is of course, the obvious goal of obtaining equality between men and women. And equality to me means equality of opportunity, not necessarily making men and women the same. Anti-feminists often freak out about the fear that feminists are attempting to eradicate gender categories altogether, and some of them very well may be. But there are a lot of female feminists who focus more on what makes them special as women and what women can do to make the world better when they band together. I kind of focus on both: eradicating the effects of gender that disadvantage women, but also celebrating the individual qualities of men, women, and those who choose not to live within the gender binary. I drive people crazy when they ask me what the definition of feminism is and my response is, “There is no definition of feminism.” And I’m sure a lot of feminist theorists would strongly disagree with me. While studying theory is great for developing a foundation of thoughts and goals, feminism for me is more about how you live it, every day. And these ways of living are constantly evolving. What feminism means to a white middle-class college student in the U.S. is going to be very different from what it means to a 30-year old Islamic woman living in Afghanistan. But I do believe the goal at the heart of feminism is the same for everyone: making the world a better place for women to live in. The approaches to doing this are innumerous.

Next I have to define gender. Gender is how someone acts out masculinity and femininity, or the spectrum between. I like to think of gender as a continuum between masculinity and femininity. I have tried every which way to find a way of deleting gender lines and roles, but it seems like gender will be a part of our lives forever, whether ordained by biology or shaped by culture, or a little bit of both, which is the theory I usually go with. I have often struggled with defining qualities that fall into the categories of “masculine” and “feminine.” Do these qualities really belong in these categories by nature or has society merely assigned them into these categories? Am I feminine because I’m emotional and have an earring obsession, and masculine because I am assertive and solution-focused? I drove myself crazy with these questions before I finally just came to the conclusion that I just am who I am, and I define my gender for myself. I’m such a relativist that I have a hard time coming up with strict definitions of gender, just like feminism, and figure that everyone needs to define it for themselves.

As my Gendered Lives professor says, “We are like a fish in water when it comes to gender.” Everything we do is saturated in gender and most of the time we don’t see it or even think about it. But once you start thinking about it, you won’t ever be able to stop noticing things that are gendered. Toiletries, advertisements, occupations, religion, violence is gendered. People get so annoyed with me when I point out some random thing and say, “Look, it’s gendered.” Even my boyfriend started doing it as a running joke but then started noticing gendered things I didn’t even see. In my early years as a teenage feminist I saw gender as a negative thing, as a limitation imposed on me by society. It’s true in that society will try in every way to impose gender labels on you. But now I’ve come to think of gender as a form of creative expression, a positive space in which to form identity, which I think is something everybody needs.

The purpose of this blog is to write about feminism, gender, and sexuality, and how the three intertwine and integrate themselves into our everyday lives in ways that we cannot even see. The diversity of human sexuality is such a fascinating subject to me, from a personal standpoint obviously but also from an academic standpoint. It is also fascinating to me that sex is such a powerful force in our lives that a lot of groups seek to rein it in by imposing rigid moral restrictions on it. My main research concerns about sexuality include women’s sexual health, the LGBT community, and sex education curriculums. This blog will also contain personal concerns, how my gender and sexuality may play out in my life. The important thing for me is that I define that for myself. If I want to be feminine and wear skirts, I’ll do that; if I want to be the butchest woman alive and be aggressive (I find racquetball to be a great way to release aggression) then that’s what I’ll damn well do. The important thing is to realize all the different aspects of my character, without limiting myself through manufactured rules about how I as a woman should act. It’s never occurred to me to do anything else, really, but maybe a girl like me struggling with her identity will read this and realize that she can too. Being a feminist is not about being a man-hater or a lesbian or a liberal, and it’s not about making the right choice for feminism; it’s about having the choice to do so in the first place.

P.S. By the way, I picked the name Artemis in a Red Tie inspired by my costume for the Vagina Monologues I wore last year when I performed. I wore the red tie to symbolize a sacred masculine aspect of my character, but using it in a feminine way to celebrate women, which is what the Vagina Monologues intends to do. I’ve worn that tie several times since then as a statement of my integration of masculinity and femininity in my expression of gender. In addition, Artemis has always been my favorite Greek goddess. She is feminine, mysterious, associated with the moon, but she’ll also have her dogs tear you to shreds if you cross her. I like that.