Today one of my mentors, a woman I absolutely adore and admire, said something so strange I can't help but blog about it. I've met her female life partner, with whom she is raising a child. But today we are talking about sexual identity and she says, "I may live with a woman but I'm not a lesbian, there is nothing about me that is lesbian. I still miss men and I couldn't imagine being with a woman if I wasn't with [my partner.] My lesbian friends just tell me I can't come out, but I promise you, I'm out, out out!"
I was blown away. For the longest time I have identified her as a lesbian in my mind, not in any negative or stereotyped way but because that's what her current orientation is. Even though my experience has taught me that just because someone has same-sex relationships does not mean they identify as gay or consider themselves part of the LGBT community, the socialized part of my mind struggled to come up with a different way to categorize her: "Wait, if she's not a lesbian, what the hell does she identify as?"
I had to consciously stop myself from doing this, to accept that she just is what she is: a bad-ass woman who is excellent at what she does and a wonderful mentor. Honestly, in the grander scheme of things, her sexual identity doesn't really matter. The only problem I really had with what she said was the particular phrase, "There's nothing lesbian about me." It made me wonder then what her construction of a lesbian is. If it is not a woman who connects emotionally, romantically, and sexually with another woman (or women), then what?
I'm currently reading this book called "Sexual Fluidity" by Lisa Diamond (even though I haven't read much of it yet, I would recommend it). It's the first time any theorist that I've read has made a distinction between "sexual orientation" and "sexual identity." For example, a woman who dates men but has had sexual relations with women may still identify as predominantly heterosexual. We may try with all of our might to categorize these people, but we are quickly learning as feminist theorists that labels simply don't work anymore. My mentor today taught me just how true that is becoming.
As much as I want to allow her to identify as whatever she wants I feel that stuff like this is one of the biggest problems with the LGBT community. We aren't a community. We suck at fighting for our rights because we have NO solidarity.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest discrepancies are of course between the gays and the trans but refusal to own the whole of the community has created so many problems it drives me fucking nuts.