Sunday, October 17, 2010

Camping: or...

JESUS it's freezing out here, why the hell am I not at home in bed? 

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Hi all,

I just got back from a camping/yoga/back-middle-of-fucking-nowhere-woods hiking trip, and it really made me think about how my experiences generalize to my everyday life. This is not necessarily about feminism, but more of a journal that I decided to share with all of you.

It started out just fine, a little hiking and sightseeing. I got my shoes soaked walking through the water, but that's my own fault. (I had fun warming them on our portable stove later.) Yoga outdoors can be a whole new experience, especially by the water. But my leader decided to do a 6-mile hike to our next camping location, something she'd told us about in advance but the full extent of which I was not expecting. It was strenuous, too strenuous for someone like me who is not in the best shape and certainly not used to highly physical activities. I couldn't keep up, I slowed the whole group down the first day. The next day it was too much. My leader had to carry my pack for me and honestly I was crying from exhaustion and sheer embarrassment. Oh my god, I thought, I seriously cannot do this. I wanted to prove that I didn't have greater limitations than the others, that I could carry my own weight. And I failed. It was one of the worst feelings in the world. I kept flashing back to elementary/middle school and being picked last in P.E., or not being able to run the whole way and being the last one to finish every day.

I have not failed at anything in a long time. Maybe I was just trying to be someone I'm not. But this trip made me think a lot about my self-talk and how to handle the experience. "It's okay, you're just not cut out for it," others have said. And I would think, that's not okay. I want to be able to enjoy physical activities, god knows I need them. But maybe I could think of it more as, "I tried this; I failed, but at least I stepped out of my comfort zone when most people wouldn't have in this situation."

Activists I suspect are not used to failing either, but speaking personally I have seen my projects fall through, my ideas not realized, especially when I don't have the help or manpower to really make it what it needs to be. But as long as we try our damnedest to make it happen, it's okay, at least we are trying to do some good in our communities when most other people don't really care or have the time. Keep that in mind when your dreams don't turn out quite how you would like them to.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for this post. It was very inspiring. I'm proud that you went on the hike! Walk on.

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