Is it possible, even as a LGBT rights activist, to avoid the privileges of heterosexism? Certainly, we know how one can be victimized by it. I have this assignment to write an autobiography about how I have either benefited from or been victimized by heterosexism, and I think I could argue that I've experienced both benefits and disadvantages. Heterosexism is different from homophobia: it implies the privileging of the heterosexual norm above all other forms of sexuality, which doesn't necessarily entail a fear of homosexual desire so much as a feeling of being superior to it. So naturally I'm trying out my ideas here, and I'd like to know your experiences as well:
I think I benefited from heterosexism the most during adolescence, where fitting in to avoid harassment and ostracism is key. Having been in straight relationships for my entire life, obviously I have never had to deal with the issues my gay friends did in high school. I never encountered prejudice, hatred or harassment because of my sexuality, I was never singled out or bullied. I never had to hide my identity from my family and friends. Of course, I also never questioned my identity really and nobody questioned it for me - because everyone assumed I was straight, I am certain they were immediately put at ease without even thinking about it, because heterosexuality is unquestionably the norm for them. And I cannot say I've never encountered prejudice or antipathy; I have been attacked by my peers for my beliefs not only in gender equality but for gay rights as well. Still, I cannot claim to really know what it's like for someone to be attacked directly for their identity. As a straight ally, I had the benefit of always looking in on homophobia from the outside rather than having to directly experience it myself.
Of course, even being in heterosexual relationships, there are still ways you can be victimized by heterosexism. I believe heterosexism affects relationships between men and women in a negative way, especially when you take gender roles into account. As heterosexual beings, we are expected to take on certain roles in the relationship as a woman and as a man. Heterosexism does not just privilege straightness, it privileges a certain kind of straightness, in which people conform to the masculine and feminine roles prescribed for them. If I am dominant and assertive in my relationship with a man, not only am I told to step down a notch but my partner's masculinity is immediately questioned. Perhaps even gay couples feel this pressure to take on these rigid masculine/feminine roles, but that's a matter to be further explored.
I'm not going to say I never questioned my identity in high school, and for sure I'm questioning it much more now that I'm growing older and feeling more secure and confident to do so. But because I have established myself as heterosexual, I find that people were constantly reminding me that I am straight, and never giving me even the option to consider being something else. As a proponent of LGBT rights, I have been attacked for my beliefs, and it didn't much matter if I was straight or not, I was still promoting a "sinful lifestyle" and every other manner of insult heterosexist people could throw at me. Even into adulthood I find I cannot even make jokes or light comments about lesbianism or bisexuality without someone getting suspicious about my sexuality. Not that I much care whether they think I'm gay or not, but I think it's sad how people think that if I care about gay rights I must be gay and therefore suspect. It's as stupid as people saying that only women care about feminism and women's rights.
Someone saw my rainbow button on my backpack once and commented, "Why do you have that, people are going to think you're gay." I replied, "Well I'm an ally and I believe in gay rights." "Yeah, but you're not gay, and everyone will think you are," she replied. As if that would have been so terrible. I don't think she thought that people thinking of me as gay would be horrible so much as just inaccurate, but she was still way more concerned about what people would think of me than I was. I think even subconsciously she knew that by having that button I would be subjected to heterosexism whether I was gay or not, and while I thought it rather conformist thinking I did appreciate her concern because it means she is at least aware of heterosexism even she doesn't know how to name it.
Finally, I still have a lot of fear and trepidation about what would happen and how my life would be affected if one day I found myself actively questioning my identity and exploring other options. It may be a conscious choice, it may happen because of an unexpected development of my life, but either way, sexuality can be and is fluid and I am open for any changes in the future. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be scared to death about it. First of all, I would have to give up the security of being in a heterosexual relationship, not only by giving up many of my rights but also the implicit acceptance by many people in my life. I would have to go through the entire arduous process of coming out to my family and friends, and having to educate people who don't understand or deal with the hostility of people who refuse to understand. These prospects alone I believe may have been a factor in my staying in serial heterosexual relationships. It doesn't matter how much I say I do not care and that I would be fearlessly "loud and proud" about my sexuality, I understand what obstacles I would have to face. And therefore I am a victim of heterosexism before I even consider not being heterosexual.
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